Christmas Mourning

     I’m missing Mama so much today. Having a day of tears in between trying to get some things done. It is such a strange mix to have Christmas and mourning together. But how much deeper would our grieving be if we had never had Christmas and all that it means. I can’t imagine.
     So I call Social Security and wait on hold for forty minutes to tell them Mama has passed, as I’m surrounded by boxes and gifts that need to be wrapped. And I tuck thank you notes, for meals and memorial gifts, into Christmas cards. And I open an envelope of death certificates that came in the same mail with a mix of sympathy cards and Christmas greetings.
     And I miss Mama. I think about our last week or so together. The last way that Mama really communicated to me, when she had lost her ability to speak, was holding onto my hand. A few days before she died she still had such strength. She would grip my hand so tightly it would almost hurt. Sometimes I’d have to move and pull my hand away for a minute, and it was actually difficult to do. I marveled at her strength.
    And then I missed it, that last day or so, when her hand no longer squeezed mine. I’d slip my hand under hers, so I could feel like she was touching me. And I’d hold her hand, but receive no pressure back.
     This is a tough Christmas. But I keep reminding myself of one of the last things Mama said to my daughter, “God is here. He is bigger.” I say that to myself often these days.
     And I was wondering what the last words she said to me were, that were responsive. So I just looked back at some notes… On December first I had said, “I love you, Mama.”
And Mama had answered, “I know that.”
     And I smile through tears and am thankful.
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12 thoughts on “Christmas Mourning

  1. cjdotty5 says:

    How beautiful, sad, and spiritual…you are a strong and loving daughter who has given so much to your Mom. She taught you well and has found her reward in Heaven. My prayer for you is to have peace and understanding during this difficult time. Grief is a gift to help you become whole again. Bless you. Connie

  2. Marc DeRuiter says:

    God bless and comfort you during this time of deep loss. Sad for death but thankful Jesus also allows us all to share in his resurrection!

  3. Diane Robillard Peters says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your mother passing on. You have been a wonderful caring daughter to your mother. She knew you took good care of her. Rest assure God will take good care of her just as you have. Wishing you strength and courage during these hard time. God Bless, Diane

    On Thu, Dec 22, 2016 at 8:26 PM, God’s Grace and Mom’s Alzheimer’s wrote:

    > chermor2 posted: ” I’m missing Mama so much today. Having a day of tears > in between trying to get some things done. It is such a strange mix to have > Christmas and mourning together. But how much deeper would our grieving be > if we had never had Christmas and all that it mea” >

  4. Diane Wadley. says:

    I feel your loss. However, think about who and what you have around you. Concentrate on the life you have ahead of you. Love your father, husband, and children. Be grateful for that.

  5. Sandy says:

    I am sorry for your loss of your dear Mother. I lost my own sweet Mom last December. She too had Alzheimer’s, a very, very hard disease she lived with for 15 years, with the last two years being the roughest on all of us. I choose to remember my mom from a period of her life before this dreadful disease took its toll when she was a happy wife, mother , and grandmother. Christmastime will always be bittersweet as I think of the many happy family memories and how I miss this wonderful woman. Caretaking is hard but so rewarding to be there for your loved ones when they need you the most. May you find comfort that your dear Mom is in Gods loving arms.
    Peace.

    • chermor2 says:

      Thank you, Sandy. I know you understand. I’m so sorry for your loss, too. May God comfort you and remind you of all your best Mom memories.

      In His Love,
      Cheryl

  6. Karen Keller says:

    Hello,

    I wanted to thank you for sharing such sweet memories of your mom. I can’t express enough how your writings have touched my heart. I too, am having a day of tears as I mourn the loss of my mom who passed on October 17, 2016. My mom also had Alzheimer’s but we aren’t sure that is what she actually died from. A friend of mine encouraged me this week that I should try not to think of what was but what is now and yet to come. Some day I will see my mom again because of her faith in Jesus. The promise we have when we have accepted Him as our personal Savior. What wonderful hope to cling to. Praying that you will be able to cling to those precious memories and rely on His strength to get you through this difficult season of firsts.

    Hugs and love in Jesus,

    Karen Keller

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    • chermor2 says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Karen. It is such a comfort to know we will see our moms again because we all shared a personal relationship with Jesus. I just bought myself a new devotional–We Shall See God. It has excerpts from Charles Spurgeon’s sermons about heaven and comments from Randy Alcorn. I’m not that far into it yet, but it is reassuring to picture Mama in heaven and learn more about what it may be like.
      Praying that God will comfort you and bless you, Karen.

      Hugs and love in Jesus to you, too,

      Cheryl M.

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